Discovering the Mysterious Third: Balancing Success and Rest

Recently, a close friend and I attended a networking event for Black women leaders in our field. We listened to esteemed professionals share their career paths and journeys. While each woman’s path was unique, a common theme emerged—they had made countless sacrifices to reach their levels of success. They spoke of time away from family, long nights and weekends, and missed special moments for the sake of their roles. This narrative is all too familiar among women in executive leadership and management, even more so for leaders of color.

After the event, I sat in my car in silence, reflecting on my own journey. I was beginning to see similar sacrifices in my career: long nights, working on weekends, pulling out my laptop during vacations to send a “quick” email, and missed happy hours with friends. So far, this had seemingly worked for my career. I quickly called my friend who had also attended the event, and simply asked, “Do you still want this?”

My friend and I met as interns in college, and over the decade of our friendship, we shared dreams of climbing the corporate and philanthropic ladders, pushing and advising each other along the way. Now, ten years after meeting as eager interns, we asked ourselves if the lives we once wanted were worth the sacrifices we hadn’t imagined.

Neither of us had a definite answer. We talked through our fears, hopes, and dreams. Yes, we wanted success and felt confident in our abilities to lead in our organizations and fields. Yet, we felt stuck, torn between success at the cost of sacrifices and rest at the cost of our careers.

This conversation isn’t unique to us. It’s one I have with other friends, colleagues, family, and mentors. It’s a conversation taking place in digital and social spaces. Black women of my generation want to elevate in their fields but are unwilling to do so at the cost of their peace. For Black women, choosing rest is a radical decision. Growing up, it was rare to see the Black women in my community rest. They were always working, moving, and catering to others' needs. My ancestors didn’t know leisure, and maybe that’s why I’m so adamant about ensuring that I and other Black women around me have the opportunity to rest.

Studies show that Black women experience burnout at higher rates than their counterparts. Saying no to sitting on boards, not committing to extracurricular activities, and choosing to skip networking events seem detrimental to our careers but necessary for our well-being. I’m currently reading “What Do You Need” by Lauren Wesley Wilson. The book encourages Black women to examine their careers and discover ways to advance in the workplace by asking, “What do you need?” Every chapter is filled with insights for career elevation, yet it hardly addresses how to answer “What do you need?” when the answer is rest.

I don’t know if this blog offers a solution to this conundrum or if I just want other Black women to know you aren’t alone if you’re feeling stuck at this intersection of wanting more and doing less. Recently, a colleague offered the idea of a “mysterious third.” Instead of feeling like I had to choose between the two, he suggested a third lane that allows for career success while also finding rest. His insight was appreciated, though I couldn’t ignore that his ability to envision having it all comes from a place of privilege. Nevertheless, I was thankful and hopeful about what a “mysterious third” could be. For those sitting at the crossroads, we may have a solution yet. Maybe there is a universe in which we can have it all.

The halfway point of the year gives us a unique opportunity to assess and find areas where we can pivot. For me, I’ll be using the rest of the year to discover the mysterious third. More to come.

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Reflecting on Two Years in Philanthropy: The Power of Communication to Shift Narratives